Yep...we're at the bar still debating Mother! Thank you Schmoeville & @jeffdye for a great show tonite! https://t.co/6u5UeD4bIC - posted on 21/09/2017 05:49:35He is aware which side he's on...right? https://t.co/foFq7mEL6k - posted on 20/09/2017 19:34:55Partygoer: How'd you get here?
Me: A stranger drove me.
Partygoer: Like a professional driver?
Me: No, they were merely sidehustling - posted on 20/09/2017 18:56:32Just got a hankering for Burger King pizza. It has not existed since 1994.
I'm calling this a "phantom craving". Let's make it a thing. - posted on 19/09/2017 23:53:45A movie weatherman I'm not...but my gut tells me Mitchell Trubisky starts that game for the Bears, and Rey finishes… https://t.co/xljoWofgaU - posted on 19/09/2017 21:41:16Movie Talk is LIVE tomorrow at our new time 9am PST! We'll announce our next movie in the Arclight screening series (it really cooks - posted on 18/09/2017 03:32:41I like Kirk Cousins. I wanna love ya, but I'll settle for being just friends this week. https://t.co/LkH5UrjMQL - posted on 17/09/2017 23:40:39Jay Gruden's confused face is really giving Wade Phillips' confused face a run for its money. - posted on 17/09/2017 23:06:57Washington up 13-0, and Jerry Jones might get struck by lightning. Solid afternoon so far. - posted on 17/09/2017 21:14:32It was an honor, Philly...thank you for great crowds full of hardcore fans. Including the Queen herself! https://t.co/8KibH7mPWp - posted on 17/09/2017 03:14:50In the back doing my pre-concert stretches! https://t.co/XYBXMvZ9jD - posted on 16/09/2017 23:27:06Too much game for the bench. @ Widener Pride Football https://t.co/z3UZG8o9jb - posted on 16/09/2017 20:07:00Your new Widener U starting QB @ Widener University https://t.co/c6b9Mn7dCY - posted on 16/09/2017 17:11:27Look out Tony Robbins...there's a new sheriff in town. https://t.co/vFmJikL0y4 - posted on 16/09/2017 02:48:54U did bash first & traded insults w/ others 'til u couldn't handle it anymore & retreated to your "mansion". Don't… https://t.co/JpnUi5Jh1k - posted on 16/09/2017 01:21:00I'd encourage everyone to see Harry Dean Stanton in LUCKY & his gazillion other roles. Greatness + Humanity. RIP. https://t.co/k9ZQiHbOt1 - posted on 15/09/2017 23:56:46You're the one following me, genius. https://t.co/zfS6ZnPlty - posted on 15/09/2017 21:43:01Awww poor li'l grape squisher got offended by a joke. Hopefully your butler can dry your tears. https://t.co/ZmTE6FyhU9 - posted on 15/09/2017 21:36:04Looks fun except where's my teleprompter?? https://t.co/S5FTjLLXRS - posted on 14/09/2017 23:28:48Actually the QB would spike the ball and they'd kick a field goal. https://t.co/LBOewnY4ZA - posted on 14/09/2017 20:11:44So many sad Nazis returning their tiki torches to Wal-Mart today. - posted on 14/09/2017 20:00:13Thx for this @CorriNoel & all the messages y'all have written us. I'm happy to play Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar… https://t.co/ftfxWYtAso - posted on 14/09/2017 19:44:11Thanks for all 300 of 'em. #SK300 https://t.co/xr8wRT3jTS - posted on 14/09/2017 03:43:08SPARTAAAAAA!!! https://t.co/yRqIpSFdeZ - posted on 14/09/2017 00:58:44I totally sat behind this dude at a GWAR concert. https://t.co/Rb5nBhhPM7 - posted on 13/09/2017 22:01:13Either show will have the same amount of Rocky IV references. https://t.co/c5ksVR1Jbg - posted on 13/09/2017 21:17:25Fun with comments https://t.co/tGRxLx68II - posted on 12/09/2017 18:27:29I feel like I'll appreciate Mother! more than like it.
Also, Mom, this tweet is not about you. I love you. - posted on 12/09/2017 18:08:51No sweat...you're welcome to pop into my shows at @NewYorkComedy instead - posted on 12/09/2017 17:33:07Best thing about today is every other politician having a very awkward meeting with their tech team. - posted on 12/09/2017 17:25:44